her feet

we were given the pathology report and everythng is Bradford was perfectly healthy(as well as my placenta)  once again…no answers…no explanations except God took her home.  We are still kind of shocked, confused, an very sad.  We have glimpses of respite from our emotions but we know it will take a while and diferent stages of grief will be evident in our lives.   We received a cd of pictures with Bradford in a pink dress someone so graciously donated.  The picture of her feet was the only one I could process for now.  It means the most to me and I am not sure why.  Maybe wondering when she would have taken her first steps, where would her feet have taken her…would she have been a dancer, an athlete….would she have walked with the Lord?  Is she frolicking and dancing with the Lord even now? oh her precious feet….its what caused me the most heartache upon holding her in the hospital…her small tiny feet. 

We know amist our pain we have such great joy in  the homecoming of Sawyer and Wyatt and all of our boys.  We have been given 6 incredible gifts and we are so thankful for each one.  We cherish now every milestone they have with their own remarkable God created feet.  Wyatt is taking more steps each day, Sawyer is climbing every ladder he can, Davis just got his cast off and is jumping off everything, Emerson now reaches the peddles on his bike!, Smyth and Dawson are kicking in the pool learning to swim.  David and I are just trying to keep our feet walking day to day and hoping along the way we will know God’s feet were walking with us the whole way.  We see evidence of his mercy and grace but we stumble so many days and our feet want to stop.  May Bradford’s feet remind us of dancing one day with our Saviour and frolicking with him alongside of her in a world with no sadness and no tears…

After 24 hours of labor, and epidural, Bradford Ellissia McNeely was stillborn on April 30 @ 7 p.m. We both felt like as I was pushing our hearts were being ripped out as well. She was beautiful and seemingly perfect in every way. Every finger and toe formed down to the fingernails, eyes, lips, long arms and legs. She was a lot bigger than we expected and had to be held in two hands. What a horrific and yet beautiful moment as we got to hold her and tell her we loved her and goodbye. I do not lessen the loss of a child at any stage of pregnancy… the pain is always so great.

There is something unique though about having to deliver a stillborn baby. Our grief as we held her felt like it might consume us. All I knew to say over and over was “I am sorry I couldn’t keep you alive Bradford-I failed you as a Mom.” “I am so sorry David I couldn’t give you a daughter and failed you as a wife.” I suppose these thoughts are a natural part of grief and more have continued to come and go as the days have gone by.

My milk came in, oh the bleeding (not just the natural but from my heart and mind as well.), the hospital bill that came…all reminders of Bradford not being at home with us. There will be reminders until we die, looking at our kitchen table wondering why she isn’t with us, David doing weddings and wondering why he doesn’t get to walk his daughter down the aisle, the boys questioning “why did Bradford die mommy?” Of course we have no answer to this last question and know we never will. We do not understand why God would allow us to get pregnant after 14 years and coming to a place of peace in our infertility and open a wound so personal to us and seemingly stab it again. How does God get more Glory from a stillborn birth than a wonderful healthy baby delivered in September. Once again, no answer and yet through our hurt, anger, tears, and frustration we somehow know God is an amazing God.

Oh how we love and miss Bradford as our heart just aches. I have been amazed at how David has embraced the grief and walked this horror out with me. We have wept uncontrollably together, talked, shared our hearts and minds candidly, and he has loved me well. I have a whole new respect and admiration for that man. I love him so much even as I have watched him wrestle with God too.

There is somehow some healing that comes with even writing this and I would ask as trite as it seems for prayers of God’s grace to carry us now. Once again His grace has been poured out to us through the generosity, love, and care of our friends during our particularly dark days. We pray each day the cloud is lifted (though we know we will still have hard days) and one day we will know true joy again.

And pictures are what you shall have! The McNeely family is whole once again. Amen and amen, God is good.

Just saw this on David’s Facebook: “I’m home. Listening to the sound of 6 boys hitting it off with each other. At peace again in the presence of my bride.”

My wife Rachel and I got to spend a few hours with David, Judith’s mother, Sawyer and Wyatt this morning in D.C. after they arrived on the 16-hour flight from Addis Ababa and cleared customs. They had a 5-hour layover, and we got to relax and hold these precious new McBabies while Mrs. Smyth and David got to eat some food and let someone else hold the boys after 16 straight hours of sitting in their laps on the plane. (Interesting: We counted at least 12 other newly-adopted children coming off the plane before Sawyer and Wyatt.)

I’ll let David and Judith tell you all about them — especially their riveting stories of how they found their way into an orphanage and ultimately into this family — but they were both sweet, tired little boys. Sawyer was pretty attached to Mrs. Smyth (he prefers the ladies!), but Wyatt is apparently a fearless charmer.

Enjoy the pictures. Click to enlarge. Oh yeah, Sawyer is in the red in pics 3,4,6 and 7. Wyatt is in the rest of the pics (in orange), including the little feet.

We are all at home and the boys welcomed Sawyer adn Wyatt with open arms!!!  we are having fun and there is true joy here.  thank you for praying.  we will have pictures soon!!!

As  I write this i am anxious to get to the airport and pick up my precious husband, sons, and mother.  i only have about two more hours before i leave!  Continue to pray for us friends as our lives take on a “new normal” .  We will walk through tears of grief and of joy on this journey.  i will post pictures as soon as i get them and i think Steve will also.  thank you to everyone that made this week bearable for me….God used you immensely and i could not have made it without you guys.

DAivd will go to Acacia village today and probably post something later about the experience.  He has asked for prayer that they would get sleep today and tonight to prepare for the flight home tommorrow.  Please continue also to pray for the extra measure of grace to welcome Sawyer and Wyatt home with open, loving, and joyfilled arms.   I get more excited each day…yes our grief is raw but ask God to allow us to feel the hurt and yet embrace what He is doing through these precious boys.  thank you everyone…for everything.  I could not be making it through this week without your love, prayers, and unyielding support.

David asked me to let everyone know that he’s going to visit a place called Acacia Village on Thursday, and wanted you to see a video about the village from Christian World Adoption. CWA has produced a short video that provides an overview of their plan for Acacia Village, a center that would provide healthcare, education, counseling, school and other services for mothers and children awaiting adoption.

Here’s the summary of the vision of Acacia Village, which you can read on the CWA site:

With so many children being orphaned and desperate for medical care, a facility is needed where these children can be healed and transitioned into adoptive families. That facility is Acacia Village Ethiopia. Acacia Village is named after the Acacia tree, which is found all over Africa. It is a tree known for its capacity to shelter and protect. Acacia Village will shelter and protect not only needy children in Ethiopia, but much more.

Acacia Village Ethiopia is the newest and most far-reaching humanitarian project ever undertaken by Christian World Foundation. Situated on 10,000 square meters of land west of Addis Ababa, Acacia Village will encompass a variety of buildings, including housing for orphans, school classrooms, and a healthcare clinic for women and children. Acacia Village will house CWA families adopting from Ethiopia, as well as host mission groups from the United States.

Acacia Village Ethiopia will serve as a compassionate answer to the crises and cries of so many needy children in Ethiopia.

this is Sawyer and Wyatt in the foster home before David and my mother were able to be with them.  They are with David now and are doing well.  They have the embasy date tommorrow so pray all goes well then.  they will have two days off and then be home on Saturday!!  Pray for a joyous homecoming.  We know we will continue to grieve the loss of sweet Bradford and feel our loss over time.  I desire though that Sawyer and Wyatt only feel so loved and wanted as they enter these doors and there will be great amazing joy.  Trusting God has reached a whole new level for us at this confusing crossroads of our lives.

I have been humbled by the love everyone has shown us and want to say thank you.  so many people have risen up and helped us in ways we could never repay.  i can only hope that David and I will be able to at least love you back well and do the same when you are in need.  thank you, friends, words will not do your kindnesses to us justice.

This just in from David’s Facebook: “I’m with Sawyer and Wyatt in Ethiopia.”

This is Stephen again. Thought I’d help out Judith on the site this week just a bit. I’m not sure if I showed her how to post pictures yet, so here are two she sent me awhile back. Wyatt is on the left, and Sawyer is on the right, and Judith says they’re both a bit older than these pictures now.

I am not even sure what to write as i sit down to do this. I do not have any words and will write more later. I am asking for a special measure of prayer for us as David and my mother just departed for Ethiopia at 12:08.  This week will be beyond what we can do humanly so GOD’s GRACE will have to carry us.  Pray that they will return home safe to us on the 9th.  i will try to update as the week moves on.