Archive for May, 2010
A year ago
“Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life, and He will give you many years ….” Deuteronomy 30:19
One year ago….what is it about a year that makes the pain return so violently when it comes full circle. We mark so much of our lives by dates and anniversaries….particularly that first year. I guess we want something to complete a process and say “I have survived a year and am still standing.” Whether it is marriage, sobriety, birthdays, or death, there is something significant about the first year.
We lost our precious Bradford a year ago and I find myself sad and weepy again. Delivering her still seems so surreal. Did it all really happen? I deep downed had hoped(and actually believed) I would be pregnant again by now or at least have jump started my period after a 14 year hiatus. Neither has happened. It seems my body just went right back to its weird state of being and has only added to the memory of our loss. I am still grieving the loss of a dream….of a little girl…of bows…of dolls…of proms…of boyfirends…of long talks. I love my own mother so much. I am beyond thankful for the relationship we have. She is a remarkable woman and though I made life tough for her at times she has continued to love me and I cherish her so much. I never realized how much I longed for that relationship with my own daughter until we lost Bradford. I know everyone has a dream they have lost. I have learned I must grieve the loss of that dream as well as the child we have lost.
Now as I sit a year later I am struck with what to do with that lost dream. I am not proud of the decisions I made this past year when I saw pregnant women or newborn babies. If anyone out there thought they saw me…my dark hair blowing behind me as I ran away…it probably was me. I have to confess to Dena Pope(if she even reads this) I saw you one day at a store and couldn’t face you. I am embarassed by my childishness and inability to respond to situations but just couldn’t seem to emotionally do it. I feel like after a year of survival I can now not run away. I am praying this means I am healing more each day. I actually thought God might spare me on April 30th(her actual delivery date). However, as I was looking at Walmart that day a young woman holding two dresses said “excuse me, which do you think would look better on me? You see I am going clubbing tonight and I want to hide my belly..I am 7 monthspregant.” I am sure she thought I had to have some mental problem as I just stared at her and blinked. I finally was able to mutter out…”the pink one”. Okay so what I wanted to say was far more colorful but in that moment I realized this is life and I must choose how I respond to it. I cannot keep trying to avoid the hurt. I must face the challenges this life brings. I must begin again to make the choice to love others in spite of how I feel. The choice has always been there. I just didn’t have the strength to fight. There is something about a year that makes me feel like even though the pain still radiates I will survive another and another…..
