Archive for January, 2010
January 27th, 2010
Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something….hope…care..custody. These are the words the dictionary uses to give an understanding of Trust. Such a small word with such huge implications. Trust. What does ”trust” mean for someone…who has been abused…forsaken…hurt…wounded…minced by words. I imagine that everyone can recall a memory of broken trust. It probably still causes a shift in our stance, change in our facial expression, and a coldness in our skin when we think on it. For trust to be regained once misused is a trecherous road. I transfer human mistrust to God so often asking “What do I do with a God whom I am not sure to be trustworthy?”
There are so many questions we have to ask in this season of our lives and I find myself in emotional upheaval trying to answer them all it. I look at future doctors appts and feel this sense of fear that overtakes me. I hear of another bill and I am quick to doubt and be ungrateful. I have this inner turmoil- not wanting to let go and trust God with our decisions. I think “Surely he has better things to do than deal with my pettiness.” Its like I am on a treadmill holding a bookbag, purse, magazines, ipod, cookbook, checkbook, bills, while watching a tv over head in numbness. This is not the way I want to live because I know I will take that wrong step, stumble and it will all come crashing down. GOD did not design me to carry that kind of burdensome weight. “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves…their forms will decay in the grave.” Psalm 49:13. THis sounds harsh but its kind of where I get to when I trust in myself and my own strength….tired and decayed. But then there is the question again…can I trust God? after what He has taken? from me?…from people of Haiti?…from friends in immense grief? How do Icome to a place of surrendered trust?
“I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord is my strength and my song.” Isaiah 12:2 Its so scary-letting go. But he tells me all through out his word to trust and not be afraid. In the words of Joyce Meyer(for Amberly) “you will have fear but do it afraid.” Obviously, this is an area of my life that God wants me to rise up in as it faces me every turn I make. I feel my nose beaten and bruised running into large walls with ”trust me” graffitti on them. I turn away, retreat and head another direction…I can do this myself. I have come to a place today on the floor crying out to God as the walls surround me now. “O Sovereign Lord, you are God, Your words are trustworthy..”2 samuel 2:28. So the issue is not whether He is TRUSTWORTHY-HE IS…its whether I will choose to trust him or keep running my own way. I am exhausted…I so want to know the assured reliance on HIS character, His ability, His strength, His truth….His Hope..HIs care…His custody that I may love Him like a child in his trusted arms.
January 16, 2010
I have spent more time in doctor’s offices in the first two weeks of 2010 than I did the entire year of 2009. I have read so many magazines in waiting rooms I should be a guru on how people live in Hollywood, how to organize my entire house, and how to cook that perfect meal. With that said, I am so very thankful to have doctors and healthcare specialized to know such intricate areas of our bodies. God made us so amazingly complex -I am in awe at doctor’s abilities to help us.
So I shall begin our journey…Sawyer has brought us a gift from Ethiopia in the form of a bacteria called H. Pylori. It is a pretty basic bacteria but can reak havoc on your stomach and esophagus. He had to have an upper endoscopy(had to stick a tube down his throat) to find out what was going on. It was a long day in the hospital of vomit and became even longer the ride home stuck in trafiic on I-85 as he vomits in his carseat. Aren’t you glad I shared) A pretty helpless feeling as mom. Again inspite of all the frustration, so grateful for the doctor who put in the years at school to be able to even perform this procedure to help children. They found alot going on in Sawyer’s body but are treating one thing at a time…first the H. Pylori which is treated with 3 antibiotics. Next for him will be giardia(for the 4th time) and potential celiac disease. So anyone who is adopting from EThiopia-I would love to be a health resource for you if you have any issues with your children that are similar.
On to me…I have seen many specialists as it pertains to fertility and pregnancy and after 20+ viles of blood taken they discovered I have a blood clotting disorder(it has a long technical name). What this means to me is that if I were to ever get pregnant againI would have to give myself a shot in the stomach everyday. Good stuff -but am more than willing to do it if GOd allows me to conceive! It also is why they believe Bradford died. The pathology autopsy revealed a clot in the vessel from me to the placenta. There was a part of me that felt relieved that I didn’t do something and then a part still frustrated at God for allowing the clotting to be an issue(once again the battle of “isn’t He able to fix a small bloodclot”) I have moments that I wonder if I had just taken baby aspirin would she be here with us. I recognize though the Lord chose not to intervene and His plan was for her to live only 20 weeks.(can’t say I am at perfect peace with that truth yet)
On a lighter note, I also have the H. Pylori and will soon begin treatment as well. My wonderful friend Kristin brought a whole new perpective to these diagnosis. She just laughed and said “Yeah, you have blood clotting and H. pylori, at least you know and can treat it!” Everyone needs a friend like her to bring you to a place of praise. I need to be reminded of the blessing of the medical advancements and care we are so privleged to have here. A reminder too that I am broken and in need of help….”my soul yearns, even faints, forthe courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.”
All of my plights seem so trivial and insignificant in light of what has happened in Haiti. I have cried at so many horiffic images. I can’t seem to fathom the heartache or breathe it in completely. I know God is good….it just a truth that is hard to hold onto when you see such devastation…. My eyes are too teary to even begin to see clearly or understand his ways.
