Archive for December, 2009
Offerings
Surely in this day of naming syndromes and disorders they could have found some kind of Mother’s Alzheimers disease. Thinking over this past year I have been so flaky, scattered, and forgetful. My Wii fitness age was 47 and it asked me if I tripped alot when I walked. I have wondered about the year to come and thought of what I want to resolve. The only thing about resolutions is that it puts all the pressure on me to make it happen in my own strength. I came upon the verse in 2 Timothy 6 where Paul is at the end of his ministy. “For I am already being poured out like a drink offering.” I want to give offerings for this New Year. By nature of the words he uses it suggest a surrender to the hand of God. None of us can pour ourselves out. I need the Lord to hold the handle, to be the steadiness so that my drink will go into the glass it was intended. I have tried to do it on my own this past year and have made alot of messes along the way. (it may be why I also see things half empty-so much has spilled without HIM) I am making offerings to the Lord admitting that without his strength I will never be able to fill anything. So I offer these areas of my life for God to take and pour out…
1) Being Average– Outside of my unusual knowledge of 80’s movies and music I am pretty plain jane. I am an average height, weight, and shoe size. I could not write a book on Parenting as I have no clue what I am doing most days. I have no thoughts on potty training as I cannot remember how we even did it. Though I enjoy cooking, with an oven with electrical PMS and grocery store amnesia I cannot offer wisdom on feeding a large family. Most days its a wonder I don’t come home to children who have turned into chicken nuggetts. These Tyson delectables are elegantly served with ketchup at least one meal a day.(that and of course PB&J). I do not excel really in the arts or sports. I remember playing basketball and hearing people yell “don’t give it to the white girl!” God had a marvelous tendency to use average people in scripture to work out his will. I often think of Mary who upon being pregnant with Jesus said ”He is been mindful fo the humble state of his servant.” I am led to believe that Mary was an average woman and yet God chose her to bear our Saviour. I am offering to the Lord my averageness for Him to pour out and accomplish His purposes and love others well.
2)Being Forgiving– I feel like I am a forgiving person and yet the person at the checkout who treats me like an idiot or someone hurting me in deeper ways seem to stay with me longer than I am comfortable. I tend to allow it to effect the way I interact with my kids and with David fot the rest of the day. I also know I do not feel forgiven- I carry alot of guilt and the weight of it all keeps me from being poured out at all. “Bear with one another and forgive whatever grieveances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” COL 3:13. I want to be quick to forgive and even quicker to ask for forgiveness. I am offering this to God that he might pour out His forgiveness of me so others might drink of it. With an empty glass then Christ can continue to refill my cup with His forgiveness of me.
3)Being Generous– I like my stuff. You know that stuff. We all have it. Those things we hourd yet we absoulutely do not know why. “why would I part with these shoes…they might come back in style.” While meanwhile there are people without shoes period. There are people who might need a listening ear and I find myself waying how it might alter my day to give up that time. And yet there are so many who give up their time to listen to me. I am that mom who goes to birthday parties without a gift in tow because I dont’ feel like it “fits” into our budget. Yes I admitted it. I do things like that all the time. I am so embarrassed by it an yet try to make some excuse for it…that we live month to month..that I am trying to be frugal- after all we live on a youth pastor’s salary. Which by the way we can live fine off of and still be generous so what is my problem? I am greedy and selfish…UGH. The most horrible thing about it all is how generous others and the church have been to us. “But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? EVERYTHING comes from you…” 1Chronicles 29:14. I desire to offer my generosity this next year-I want to be free to give and give freely. I would love God to pour out through me His generosity not only with money but with my time as well. Oh Lord please show me where and how to give and be willing to give up my comfort for others.
4)Being Hopeful– Most therapists don’t offer much hope for me outside of medication to reign in my racing mind( I am allergic to the medications) My endocrinologist says “You are a confusing case as your bloodwork doesn’t match what your body is doing.” I have heard this from most every doctor I have ever had. She, however, gave us hope that we might be able to conceive again and wants to help us try. Hope is a hard notion to reconcile after the year we have had. I am wondering where my hope actually lies. In the Lord? in doctors? in myself? So often I think I am not hoping in the right things because I do not want to be dissapointed anymore. How do I offer hope when I don’t know if I have any to pour out? I have been told to hope in life to come..heaven persay…I have trouble hoping in that way. What about hope for the living-how do we have hope in this life? I stumbled on the verse In Zechariah “Return to your fortress, O prisoners of Hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” I have been using this verse to ask God to bless us with twin girls….is it wrong to hope for this being this is a “worldy prayer? But then the word prisoner stuck out to me. What does it mean to be a prisoner of hope? Confined by hope so there is no escaping. What kind of hope is God promising here? IF God does not answer my prayers do I still pray for and give hope to others who are praying for their own miracles. I want to offer my hopefulness to others…but not a hope of what we can do. A hope of what we can’t do-save ourselves. God’s pouring out his wrath on His Son is the only hope I have for my wretched heart. I want Him to pour out this hope through me with steady hand so that the glass will be full and I may offer it to other thirsty souls.
Holidays
We love our time at Grandfather mountain and Gingercake, NC during the Thanksgiving holidays. It is so beautiful up there and we are so blessed to spend our time with the Mcneelys and Steve and Rachel Davis. I have the most wonderful in-laws and am so thankful for the constant love they have shown towards me. Steve and Rachel, well, I love more than I can really express in words…they are just fun, easy, and so cool to be with. I admire them both and cherish the time we get to spend with them every year. Steve and Rachel help me have a little culture and make me think of life in new ways(you guys didn’t know all that did you?)
As I am living out the holiday season I was thinking of holidays in days past and I felt the Lord wanted me to remember and pray:
for those who children will never know the wonderment of the holiday-May God somehow bring them peace and comfort
for those who had to let go of someone too soon and their seat in the room or at the table saddens their hearts-may God make allow their memories to bring great solace and even some laughter
for those who are in in-house treatment for addictions to strong to conquer alone-May God grant you strength and may His arms hold you in the lonliness of missing your family and your family missing you
for those who are bound to addictions, struggling to make it through the temptations and anxieties that the holidays brings-May God somehow renew your mind and body and His love would pour over you.
for those who are awaiting the adoption of children-May God grant them endurance and they wait and hope for good news.
for those who have no worries, Halleluyah!!-May God allow them to cherish the blessing of the holiday,of who He is, and who He came to save.
“And HE will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah9 
December 5, 2009
“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives…to comfort all who mourn…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61
It hits me unaware. I will be going along just fine, even having great moments of joy and all of a sudden a trigger just explodes and the grief and sorrow come shooting out and I am dissolved to tears. Arms aching to hold Bradford again…heart breaking at never hearing her laughter…no little dresses or dolls…no wonderment of holidays and birthdays…a void in our home I cannot explain. I assumed life would eventually sweep us away, the grief would become a distant memory, and our lives would be “normal” again after time went by. I now am understanding that their will never be normal again and our lives have forever been changed…my relationship with my Lord has been forever changed…and my view of this world has forever been changed. Normalcy has no place anymore and as the tears cease to flow somedays. I beg God to show me what am I to do with thisstrong emotion. I do not want to lose hope but what does that mean? Where does my hope lie anyway?
We have recently begun working with a reproductive endocrinologist to figure out what in the world is going on in my body. I have not had a period in over 14 years. How did I get pregnant anyway? We are left to believe in it all that God specifically formed Bradford to take her away. Dear Lord what kind of God does that? Can He be trusted? So here in lies our dilemma with the God we thought we had come to know over the 36 years of life. Our theology and view of GOd has taken a blow that has left us bruised and bleeding…with very little fight in us anymore. We are faced now with some hard decisions as it relates to becoming pregnant and I can’t seem to find any answers. GOd didn’t need anything to allow me to be pregnant so why do we have to try stuff to get pregnant again? Why the constant struggle…its only seems to lead to despair. Can’t it just be easy for once? We are too old and too poor to be pursuing fertility treatments and yet the longing to bear children is so strong- a war which constantly rages within me. Not to mention if I did get pregnant-would got take that baby too? He certainly is capable. You can imagine I just want peace. I do not want to be obsessed or worried over it all but as many women know it is hard not to be. I have prayed that God would take the desire away.
I will confess a longstanding sin in all of this. I find myself resentful of women who get pregnant so easily and take it for granted. ANd of course, where does that lead but an inability to love them which is so hanus. I want to shake my fist at God and say “why do I have to do all this…gain the weight…”let it go”…take medication…make sure our sex life is in great…make sure I am “doing” everything right…while other women who are smaller than me…some don’t even want kids…some are on meth…(youcan tell where this is going) I am telling you…HANUS and so from the pit of hell. O God..”Proclaim freedom” for me-the captive of death and destructive thinking.
”Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is praiseworthy-think about such things.” Phil 4:8.
O LOrd this is where I want to be. Please set this captive free…show me how to think on such things that edify and encourage. Help me to use this pain to bind up the brokenhearted..to be a comfort to those who mourn. Use this mess Lord. Use Bradford. Use me to: bestow beauty to those I am resentful of, to give the oil of gladness to those I am jealous of, to wrap a garment of praise around those who are grieved and facing despair. God you have got to help me look beyond myself and my pain…I have nto the strength in those moments. You do. “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor…they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61 Grant me the strength of an oak, rooted and steadfast, blown by the wind, but not destroyed, so I might display your glory.
