Archive for October, 2009
October 16, 2009 Anger
Anger. I find myself in this corridor of grief as I walk through the maze of healing. My anger seems to be multi-faceted as it doesn’t seem to be exclusive to losing Bradford. I never thought I was an angry person inside yet strangely it seems to come out of the recession of my heart. It flows to easily for it have not to have been there. I was somehow unaware. I believe anger can be good when kept in its rightful place. I should be angry over sex trafficking, murder, pornography, injustices, etc…anger should motivate me to help and try to put an end to such hanusness. I get angry over the years the beast of anorexia took from me, the hold it has on other young girls, and a world where weight and appearance are such an obsession. That really gets me boiling and I can’t say that is sinful anger. But then there is an anger in me that is hanus in and of itself and not God honoring at all. Its selfish and comes from comparing myself to other women, coveting “stuff”, wanting this world to satisfy me. When it doesn’t satisfy me my hard heart ensues and only hinders my relationship with God-the only one who is capable of righteous anger. I wonder why this world was not set up differently-why must there be any kind of suffering. Why couldn’t it be through joy and not pain that we draw closer to God. There is where my anger lies as well. Doesn’t He owe me? (I really act like he does sometimes!!! even after He died for me!!) Jeeze Judith what more is He supposed to do? Is it that deep down I want to be “worshiped” and when I am not it elicits some “justified” anger? It comes out when deep down I expect David to do something fun for our anniversary or my birthday and when he dosen’t I get angry. If I didn’t want to be “worshiped” than why do I get so mad about that? Hmmmm….I am often amazed at how patient Jesus is when He gets angry..”He looked around them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “stretch out your hand”. He stretched it out and His hand was completely restored.” Mark 3:5 Even in anger Jesus reached out and healed a man.. looking beyond himself. God has given me Through Jesus’s life a beautiful picture of what I am supposed to do with my anger-look outside of myself, love others, and find healing there. I cannot express how hard this is for me right now.
I have been blessed by reading the book, “Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow” by Nancy Guthrie. She has given me a new perspective on God’s hand in the hard parts of our lives. There are a few instances in Scripture where God allows suffering. However, more often He is the author of the hardship that is sent. In her book she states ”I fully recognize and respect that many faithful believers will say that God “allows” suffering into our lives. Perhaps part of our struggle is the inadequacy of language-we are limited by the mere words in our discussion of God’s role in suffering which is beyond our complete comprehension and articulation. But as we take Scripture at face value, we see that God did not merely “allow” many of the events and actions we would label bad or evil, but he actively sent them, intended them, gave them. Perhaps the best word is that He ORDAINED them.” p.79
I have mulled over these words the past weeks and began seeing more clearly God’s true character. I often am lead back to the quote from C.S. Lewis, “He’s not safe…but He is good.” How can that be? Somehow it just is and the Lord owes me NO EXPLANATION. HE is God and HE is in control of everything that befalls us good and horrible. What kind of God would he be if He didn’t control the bad as well…pretty wimpy really. That is not a character trait of the God I know… “With my great power and outstetched arm I made the Earth and its people and the animals that are on it, and I give it to anyone I please.” Jeremiah 27:5 I am not seeing a nonchalant God there. So I am left to face God with losing Bradford…I am angry but know I will come to a healthier side of anger in the end as I wrestle with Him. After all HE is bigger and stronger than me and I imagine after I give up the struggle and go limp He will just hold me and cry with me.
October 6, 2009
Being a mom is humbling. After crying spells my son asks “mom, are you all done whining?”, I tell the boys to put their shoes in a certain basket by the door and then trip over mine in the living room, I hear words or voice inflections come out of their mouths and think where did you get that…their answer..”You, momma.” , and obviously teachers must really want to get to know me because they keep inviting me to these “meetings” 
Oh dear Lord help me. Well honestly, He’s the only one who can right?
I thought about God’s character depicted as a shepherd as I walked the twins to school today. “I am the good shepherd.” John 10. I felt like I was sending them to the wolves as I watched them walk away with bookbags as big as they are. I realized my design as a mom is to be the staff for my children. So often I want to be the shepherd and control where they go and what they do… but GOD actually is. He loves them more than even I can. He uses me as his staff to draw them to Himself and uses the Holy Spirit as a staff to draw me to Himself. They don’t know yet the “Holy Spirit guidance” so I believe I am to be the instrument to extend His hand of guidance and comfort. “…your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23. I just love the fact that He indeed is my shepherd. my protector. my guide. my provider. my rescuer. my peace. my comforter. my healer. Oh how I pray I am a strong staff that brings our boys in to see the nature of the good shepherd and our Great God. yes, so very humbling..but then again that’s the nature of our shepherd isn’t it? And I so want to be more like HIM.
