August 29, 2009
I have come to place where tears do not flow freely anymore…I am weary of the heartache and crying. I honestly did not know that was possible but somehow I find myself tired of hurting. Maybe I am in survival mode but I seem to avoid most things that would bring the sadness and grief to the forefront just so I can live my days. I know though I will have a day where the floodgates will reopen. There are glimpses of joy and laughter springing forth some days even.(especially as i watch our funboys) I guess the Lord parted the sea for me for a little while so I could walk through this and come out the other side closer to the promised land. Its as if HE knew I would drown. hmm.
“You will have no other gods before me.” exodus20 (AND THE FIRST COMMANDMENT) I have grown amazed at my own desire to control my world…my desires even for “good things” set themselves golden as idols. There’s that word..IDOLS. I heard a teaching on idols and was given a list of 25 potential idols. He asked us to look at them and find a few that might be true of us. So what do you do if you struggle with all 25 ? (knowing there are more-he just didn’t want to overwhelm us I am sure). It was a stab to my heart and humbliing for sure. People’s approval, addictions, unforgiveness..of course we can understand those to be idols-setting themselves against the Lord as our stregth. But what about adoption, money saving, my health, ministry, our children, wanting more children…wait now..those are good things. How can they be idols? Oh but they are for me. I find myself sucking the thumb of life out of some of them while holding the others like a blanket close to me hoping to find comfort in my “companions”. A child thinks He needs these comforts to be at peace and we all know what it is like taking these seemingly good comforts away. Problem is I can’t hold on to them anymore. Other than the fact I would look incredibly silly with my thumb and blankie, they hinder me from growing in my faith. I am learning through Bradford’s death I have control of nothing of what this world brings. I try and spin my wheels everyday trying to maintain some symblance of control and it just leaves me exhausted, fearful, and frustrated. ”Come to me all who are weary and heavyladen and I will give you rest”. Rest. Sounds so good. No struggle. No idols. No fear. Oh to enter that rest. It seems so easy and yet I struggle to even find it!! I often hear “Just let it go” . I cringe at this statement..not because I don’t want to let it go..its just those words are yet again placing ME in control. What is “IT” anyway? HE took my only daughter…what more ”IT” does He want? Noone ever seems to have an answer for that. I know..I know…He wants ALL of me. HE wants me to surrender the controls of my life and lay it down at the cross. Oh how easy…Why didn’t I think of this before in these past 16 years(yes that is sarcasm you hear). The ”IT”only can come from the Lord speaking to my heart and mind…opening my eyes…and piercing my ears. I cannot control these things either…I just need to be expectant… to be more expectant and desirous of HIs grace and mercy than even of an actual baby..Ouch.
Oh how I love Joyce Meyer(I just made all my prebyterian friends cringe). God has used her to minister to me since I was in college in incredible ways. My head has always believed one theology but my heart and soul tend to lean toward the charismatic side of life. I am learning through her teaching that we are in control of only ONE thing in this world….our RESPONSE to what life brings. “I have set before you this day life and death…CHOOSE LIFE…love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him.” Deuteronomy 30:19- 20. Oh I want to live again…I long to see life differently and respond as if I am controlled by my GOd, my Savior, My Creator, my Lord. HE holds everything in that engraved palm of His. “My hand will sustain him, surely my arm will strengthen him.” Psalm 89. I got nothing. I bring nothing. I contol nothing except how I respond to the Lord’s voice. “The voice of the Lord is powerful; The voice of the Lord is majestic.” Psalm 29 OH that I might hear his voice today…let go of my thumb…throw my blanket down…run to Him… fall into Him so only HIs arms can sustain me and hold me up. What a sweet surrender that would be. “…be their Shepherd and carry them forever.” Psalm 28.
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how well i remember the days i was just weary of the heartache and the crying…exhausted, sore, thinking my eyes would never be normal sized again…and yes, there have been many more days since then when the floodgates open ~ sometimes for no apparent reason ~ other times from a piercing memory…The Lord Knows when to help us ‘walk on dry land’…He Knows exactly when to Dry our tears for a while…and He Knows when we need to have one more meltdown
Last year i taught 1 and 2 Kings in CBS…He Brought me face to face with my idols too…ICK. but oh, the Sweetness of Healing…the Sweetness of His Confirming that control is not all it’s cracked up to be and resting in His Sovereignty IS MORE than we can fathom.
i’m two years past losing my precious Michael…and i miss him so much…but i have indeed come to long for more and more of Jesus…and what surprises me MOST is that i am content in this place…and confident that Elohim IS Exactly Who He Says He Is…and confident that He Gives MUCH MORE than He Takes…
i’ve experienced depths of sadness that i never dreamed existed…but Heights of Joy that FAR Surpass the sadness ~ Leaving me ready to surrender until ALL is surrendered…
love you Judith…
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