August 9th, 2009
I found myself resolved to constant tears as David drove down the highway towards the beach. I felt like I was back in the hospital room holding Bradford again and the pain and heartache were so fresh. It was the first time I had been quiet with my thoughts since that day…all the boys were sleeping , no laundry, cleaning, or computer to distract my grief. Just a quiet car and a husband holding my hand over the console as the tears just came for at least two hours. “I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out callng for help.” Psalm 69. It was a cleansing of sorts and I realized how much hurt and pain is still there. Bradford(the doctor’s had told us at 19 weeks) was supposed to come this week and all the things we had planned to do with her..the Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving in the mountains, Christmas. I so want to control the timing of everything..her scheduled coming seemed so perfect to us. Now we must let go and grieve our dreams and timing and wait to see what the Lord does. “Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up…answer me out of the goodness of your love.” God promises us that “our times are in His hands” and I wish it were easier for me to trust that truth. I find myself arguing with Him about His plan…How in the world can this be good or perfect…how can Bradford’s death be perfect timing? Oh how I long to believe in the depths of my soul that “ALL things work together for good…” I confess I struggle to find solace in that truth. It should be a balm and yet becomes a taunting of sorts…Do i love God? because it says its good for those who love God…so do I? If I can’t see the good am I a child of God? The questions continue to surface even though I know there are no answers..just Trust. There it comes again…that trusting thing…ugh. “Answer me out of the goodness of your love: in your great mercy turn to me….But now Lord what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39. I find my hope tends to come more from what the world gives and of course it leaves me empty. I long to be pregnant again, for life to be smooth, to NOT stuggle, to be able to live FREE, to have material things and yet I know that the cravings will never be satisfied and it is all a “chasing after the wind”…a way to hide or allude the pain. “Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping…” “But you God see trouble and grief, you consider it to take it in hand..you hear O Lord the desire of the afflicted, you encourage them and listen to their cry.”
I was challenged to find a verse that speaks of God’s love for me and for me the typical psalm 139 and Zephaniah passages weren’t going to cut it. I found though God’s promise in Isaiah 49, “See I have ENGRAVED you on the palms of my hands..” HE has not tatooed me or written me in penon my hand like I do to remind me of something..those can be removed. But engraving is permenant. I pray I come to believe that God has engraved me on His hand and He cannot forget me nor forsake me…the engravement a constant reminder that I am His even when I “feel” like I am not. I am praying He meets me in this crying out to Him. “Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be dissapointed…”
Comments
Judith- Tears fill my eyes as I read your words. I feel God speaking through you!!-I pray for answers, understanding and peace for you as you brave this difficult road. Thinking of you!!!
Judith, engraving is such a beautiful word. It must be so hard to think of what could have been this week in your life. The end of a chapter, the doom you faced. I pray God would shine his light so bright you feel warm and held in His arms. My love is with you as you feel the pain.
Hi Dear Niece. Nicely written. Oh, my sweet girl, I surely have walked where you walk – and know a bit of the pain. You are doing a great job – and giving God glory and He will bless you. There are stilll “moments” when Uncle Joe and I find ourselves grieving – not for long; but for a moment. Just for a moment……We sure love you and look forward to meeting our new grand=nephews…
Again Judith, your honesty and openness overwhelm. I hurt for you and I am so sorry for the suffering you have gone through. It breaks my heart. Your willingness to grow and learn is inspiring in my own walk with GOd
Hi Judith,
My name is Deidre Bridges. I live in Macon and have known David’s wonderful parents for years. I actually think we have met, and I did get to see your oldest two boys. Someone tonight told me of your webpage. Twenty two years ago we had a full term stillborn son–his name is Peter. I understand so much of what you expressed here in your writings because I lived it, too. A wonderful Christian counselor described the grief process to me as “doing your griefwork.” Indeed it is exhausting work, and you are doing it well. It is the task at hand right now for you–to struggle through all the questions of your heart and groanings in your spirit and to tell yourself God’s truths over and over. I can tell from reading that your mind believes those truths. One day as grief works its way through your life, your heart will willingly follow those same truths also. Your mind and heart will come together to accept this loss. I don’t know how long that will be for you–each person is different–but I can promise you IT WILL GET BETTER. Friends have probably told you that, but I remember longing so much for someone who had walked this path to say that to me. I needed to know that at some point, there would be relief from the pain that hurt in the deepest darkest place in me. We all like quick fixes–I myself REALLY like them. And that perhaps was one of the shocking things about this grief to me. There was no quick fix. But Judith, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, I would rather have had my son and lost him and know Christ more deeply from the experience than to never experienced having him and never knowing Christ on that level. Be patient with yourself. I asked my counselor for guidelines for grieving. (I desperately felt I needed some sort of roadmap since grief was new to me.) His advice has served me over the years in many ways. He encouraged us to grieve as long and as hard as we needed to but as we did, he advised us to 1)meditate on God’s goodness 2)meditate on His sovereignty and 3)never cross the line of self-pity. The first two for me were easy. That last was a different story. But for me those were excellent self checks that helped me grieve toward a positive end. God did bring us through. No, we will never “get over” losing Peter. At very unexpected times, we both 22 years later can still tear up over our loss. We still wonder what type of man he would be today, what he would have majored in, what he would look like. But we did get through it with a much richer, deeper faith. We are different people because of it. For some reason God could not do in our lives what He needed to do without us walking down that road. Our loss compelled us to work harder with a Christian adoption agency here in Macon. We became foster parents to 13 little babies over several years. I was no longer afraid of the pain of giving them to an adoptive family after they lived in our home because I knew God was big enough to sustain me. Now God has us working with young adults, many of whom have sadly suffered miscarriages, stillbirths or the loss of an infant. I will pray for you and David. Another friend of mine delivered a 25 wk. baby boy yesterday who died shortly after he was born. She already has one adopted son. I am going to pass your website on to her as I know it will be healing for her. Thank you for writing this. I pray that my words will only serve as encouragement to help you hold tight to Christ. As believers we have such a precious hope–for things now as well as for things to come. I thank God for His gift of an eternity in Heaven where there will be no more tears. Give my love to David’s parents.
Deidre
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