Archive for August, 2009
August 29, 2009
I have come to place where tears do not flow freely anymore…I am weary of the heartache and crying. I honestly did not know that was possible but somehow I find myself tired of hurting. Maybe I am in survival mode but I seem to avoid most things that would bring the sadness and grief to the forefront just so I can live my days. I know though I will have a day where the floodgates will reopen. There are glimpses of joy and laughter springing forth some days even.(especially as i watch our funboys) I guess the Lord parted the sea for me for a little while so I could walk through this and come out the other side closer to the promised land. Its as if HE knew I would drown. hmm.
“You will have no other gods before me.” exodus20 (AND THE FIRST COMMANDMENT) I have grown amazed at my own desire to control my world…my desires even for “good things” set themselves golden as idols. There’s that word..IDOLS. I heard a teaching on idols and was given a list of 25 potential idols. He asked us to look at them and find a few that might be true of us. So what do you do if you struggle with all 25 ? (knowing there are more-he just didn’t want to overwhelm us I am sure). It was a stab to my heart and humbliing for sure. People’s approval, addictions, unforgiveness..of course we can understand those to be idols-setting themselves against the Lord as our stregth. But what about adoption, money saving, my health, ministry, our children, wanting more children…wait now..those are good things. How can they be idols? Oh but they are for me. I find myself sucking the thumb of life out of some of them while holding the others like a blanket close to me hoping to find comfort in my “companions”. A child thinks He needs these comforts to be at peace and we all know what it is like taking these seemingly good comforts away. Problem is I can’t hold on to them anymore. Other than the fact I would look incredibly silly with my thumb and blankie, they hinder me from growing in my faith. I am learning through Bradford’s death I have control of nothing of what this world brings. I try and spin my wheels everyday trying to maintain some symblance of control and it just leaves me exhausted, fearful, and frustrated. ”Come to me all who are weary and heavyladen and I will give you rest”. Rest. Sounds so good. No struggle. No idols. No fear. Oh to enter that rest. It seems so easy and yet I struggle to even find it!! I often hear “Just let it go” . I cringe at this statement..not because I don’t want to let it go..its just those words are yet again placing ME in control. What is “IT” anyway? HE took my only daughter…what more ”IT” does He want? Noone ever seems to have an answer for that. I know..I know…He wants ALL of me. HE wants me to surrender the controls of my life and lay it down at the cross. Oh how easy…Why didn’t I think of this before in these past 16 years(yes that is sarcasm you hear). The ”IT”only can come from the Lord speaking to my heart and mind…opening my eyes…and piercing my ears. I cannot control these things either…I just need to be expectant… to be more expectant and desirous of HIs grace and mercy than even of an actual baby..Ouch.
Oh how I love Joyce Meyer(I just made all my prebyterian friends cringe). God has used her to minister to me since I was in college in incredible ways. My head has always believed one theology but my heart and soul tend to lean toward the charismatic side of life. I am learning through her teaching that we are in control of only ONE thing in this world….our RESPONSE to what life brings. “I have set before you this day life and death…CHOOSE LIFE…love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him.” Deuteronomy 30:19- 20. Oh I want to live again…I long to see life differently and respond as if I am controlled by my GOd, my Savior, My Creator, my Lord. HE holds everything in that engraved palm of His. “My hand will sustain him, surely my arm will strengthen him.” Psalm 89. I got nothing. I bring nothing. I contol nothing except how I respond to the Lord’s voice. “The voice of the Lord is powerful; The voice of the Lord is majestic.” Psalm 29 OH that I might hear his voice today…let go of my thumb…throw my blanket down…run to Him… fall into Him so only HIs arms can sustain me and hold me up. What a sweet surrender that would be. “…be their Shepherd and carry them forever.” Psalm 28.
August 9th, 2009
I found myself resolved to constant tears as David drove down the highway towards the beach. I felt like I was back in the hospital room holding Bradford again and the pain and heartache were so fresh. It was the first time I had been quiet with my thoughts since that day…all the boys were sleeping , no laundry, cleaning, or computer to distract my grief. Just a quiet car and a husband holding my hand over the console as the tears just came for at least two hours. “I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out callng for help.” Psalm 69. It was a cleansing of sorts and I realized how much hurt and pain is still there. Bradford(the doctor’s had told us at 19 weeks) was supposed to come this week and all the things we had planned to do with her..the Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving in the mountains, Christmas. I so want to control the timing of everything..her scheduled coming seemed so perfect to us. Now we must let go and grieve our dreams and timing and wait to see what the Lord does. “Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up…answer me out of the goodness of your love.” God promises us that “our times are in His hands” and I wish it were easier for me to trust that truth. I find myself arguing with Him about His plan…How in the world can this be good or perfect…how can Bradford’s death be perfect timing? Oh how I long to believe in the depths of my soul that “ALL things work together for good…” I confess I struggle to find solace in that truth. It should be a balm and yet becomes a taunting of sorts…Do i love God? because it says its good for those who love God…so do I? If I can’t see the good am I a child of God? The questions continue to surface even though I know there are no answers..just Trust. There it comes again…that trusting thing…ugh. “Answer me out of the goodness of your love: in your great mercy turn to me….But now Lord what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39. I find my hope tends to come more from what the world gives and of course it leaves me empty. I long to be pregnant again, for life to be smooth, to NOT stuggle, to be able to live FREE, to have material things and yet I know that the cravings will never be satisfied and it is all a “chasing after the wind”…a way to hide or allude the pain. “Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping…” “But you God see trouble and grief, you consider it to take it in hand..you hear O Lord the desire of the afflicted, you encourage them and listen to their cry.”
I was challenged to find a verse that speaks of God’s love for me and for me the typical psalm 139 and Zephaniah passages weren’t going to cut it. I found though God’s promise in Isaiah 49, “See I have ENGRAVED you on the palms of my hands..” HE has not tatooed me or written me in penon my hand like I do to remind me of something..those can be removed. But engraving is permenant. I pray I come to believe that God has engraved me on His hand and He cannot forget me nor forsake me…the engravement a constant reminder that I am His even when I “feel” like I am not. I am praying He meets me in this crying out to Him. “Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be dissapointed…”
