July 23, 2009
“I spread my hands to you, my soul thirsts for you….answer me quickly, my spirit fails….Let the morning bring word of your unfailing love for I have put my trust in you.” (the psalms)
I have carried a deep sadness and longing around for the past few days…it ebbs and flows that way. it has seemed to be a constant companion to my heart much like a pair of sunglasses to my life. I wear sadness before my eyes… so aware of it darkening my view and then I lift them on my head as a reprieve from the glare around me. On my head they are out of view but still with me until thye are pulled back down again. Sometimes I even forget they are on my head until the need arises…i suppose my need to grieve pulls my sadness down. I go awhile knowing its there but keeping it out of view. So today they are pulled over my eyes and the sadness seems to darken my vison a bit…my hopefulness seems cloudy as well. I never want hopelessness to lead to despair so praise God they are not a permenant fixture. of life.
I suppose alot of this has to do with my endocrinology appointment yesterday. Our loss of Bradford was so much more to us emotionally than the loss of a child…it went alot deeper. My body is struggling to heal and hopes that it will return to normal seem daunting really. Before I became pregnant I had worked so hard to reutrn my body to a healthy state after the devastating effects of the years of anorexia. I finally reached that point and then all the efforts seemed fruitless as it was taken away again. I am now back to the beginning again-trying to get my body healthy and somewhat “normal” again(though i wonder if it will ever truly happen this side of heaven). As a woman you must know the desire now to be pregnant again and somedays it just seems overwhelmingly sad to think it may never be a possibility. Why the tease God? I become weary somedays of making the efforts and doing what I know to do to be “healthy” again. If I get there again will God allow something else to hinder my efforts. All I know to do most days is cry out he psalms. HE is so in control and I AM NOT. I suppose this is the enormous issue of TRUST.
I do not always mean to be so heavy emotionally asI know it can be draining. I know the sunglasses will go off my head soon and my vision will be brighter. Until then I am trying to sense God’s presence even in the dark..knowing He is holding me and guiding me even when I can’t see through tears. He is a God who restores hearts so I am begging today as “He leads me beside quiet waters…He restores my soul.”
Comments
Please don’t apologize for your emotions Judith…what you have been through is agonizing and it is a blessing to all of us that you are able to share it so freely. I would love to help you, but I’m not sure what to offer…so I will spend some time praying for you today.
My heart aches with you. You are not alone. I’m anxious to talk to you soon.
Sweet Judith, Sister in Christ,
Your cries to our God are the same as my daughters’. They bring understanding to my soul, as David’s words bring healing and understanding through his Psalms. Thank you for “opening your heart to the world.” I will continue to pray for you and David as you grieve for your precious baby. Cheryl Vickers, TPC, Montgomery, AL
Hi Judith,
I was directed to your sight by Martha Cook. We went to high school together. I have been reading and finding inspiration from your blog. I am currently a foster mom for a six month old little girl. I recently found out that an aunt may be interested in caring for her. When she first came I thought I would possibly be able to adopt her, but it is looking not so good right now. I struggle with possibly losing her to her aunt even though if I were in the aunt’s shoes I would want to care for my niece. I struggle with the sometimes overwhelming grief of having to give her up and not being able to see her grow. I wonder if it will always hurt so much or whether God will take this pain away from me. How will he help me through these next couple months when we go through the process of waiting for her aunts homestudy to be approved? I pray for you and your family as you go through the grief process. It is a constant struggle I know. May God’s word help you find comfort during this time.
God Bless,
Elizabeth
Judith,
I so relate to the “sunglasses” I was telling Bryan one day that it felt like an umbrella.. I was constantly holding just somedays it was in my purse but always ALWAYS with me. Changing my perspective forever. It will always be, just like you said, maybe put away but apart of living and making it thru. I pray for that same restoration friend and know God has us in his hands. Have a good weekend. Would love to chat soon.
Judith! Don’t know if you remember me…we worked together at Express and then a childcare center in 95/96…
As it happens, the Lord impressed your name upon my heart today (out of the clear blue!) so I googled you and held back tears when I read your incredible story.
As it also happens, just this morning I met a woman at the library who, through casual conversation, told me all about CWA! So I think it is high time my hubby and I give in to God’s hinting and start getting some info on how we can give our daughter a sibling.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful family online
My heart aches for your loss as only those of us in the “Sisterhood of Wounded Hearts” can truly grasp.
Would love to hear from you,
Lori Pozo McDonald
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