July 16th, 2009
What a privilege I experienced last night to be among women who strongly believe and have been called to Promise 686. Psalm 68:6 promise that “God sets the lonely in families” and that is what these women are determined to do with their lives and time. They are all so beautiful and unique in their stories…adoption…fostering…safe haven and what a joy to be in their presence. All of them amaze me in putting aside some life challenges and give their home to give the lonely a home. I am thankful and honored to be counted among these women and that the Lord placed in our hearts 6 years ago to adopt and care for orphans. I would not have our family look any other way and delight in God’s gift of our six boys. Oh how I pray that chldren in need of families will indeed be set free from lonliness….
And then there is a seemingly unsatiable desire now to be pregnant and bear children on my own. I have never known it as strong as I do now….supposing it has come from the loss of Bradford. There are still nights I wake up and weep as I long to hold her and bring her home. I had come to such a place of healing…trusting God’s plan for our family and being okay with never conceiving. So now I feel like the desire is all starting over again…wondering if a pregnancy could even happen again. Why was this wound reopened? Do David and I really want the potential of this happening again? We know though if we don’t risk in life we are not living and will die..so….who knows what GOd will do. I have to throw my hands up on this one as HE is the only one who has control over it all. There are going to be some hard and anxious days ahead as we desire a little girl in our hearts. I have already revisited the rollercoaster of emotions especally the excitement and yet hurt when someone tells me they are pregnant. We have no clue what God will do or where this will take us…I suppose this is what TRUST is all about. I have been crazy enough to pray for twins! I figure He tells us to ask ANYTHING..of course in the end its His call to make. (but i can still ask!)
I am reminded of the children He has already “set” in our family and am so overwhelmed with gratitude. I am even thankful for the infertility as we would not know the blessing of our sons without it . Once again a double emotion playing in my life…gratitude and longing, despair and hope, pain and yet great joy too.
Comments
Dear Judith,
I have had you on my heart a lot, and continue to pray God’s healing and blessings in your life.
This post is beautifully written. Thank you for being so candid.
Love,
Beth
I am so sorry that this wound has been re-opened for you. As someone who dealt with infertility for many years, I remember the hurt of hearing that someone was pregnant and then the shame I felt for feeling that way. I am definitely past that now and pray for the same for you.
I love seeing the pictures of your precious family. Take care of yourself.
Judith,
You and David continue to be a source of inspiration for me. I cannot count the number of opportunities I have had to share your story and site with other couples- couples who have lost, couples who are expectant, couples who wish to adopt. Your ministry, your story, is such a blessing in so many ways. I realize that responsibility-the one of being such a powerful place of solace for so many women and couples-must be awesome at times;please know that I pray for you. You are exactly where God wants you to be. Every word from your lips is truth plainly spoken by Him to each of us. Keep the faith. You simply cannot stop now. My own situation has not changed-we have no blessing or gift of a child-but I remain encouraged. Blessings. Ashleigh
Good to see you the other night. As we pursue these adoptions it is so comforting to walk alongside women who have been through it. I feel so blessed. Your story has stirred so many questions in my soul – I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel for you. Thank you for your willingness to share your heart so freely.
Hi Judith,
Our husbands went to school together and I heard about you, but we never met. Anyway, my husband just passed on your loss of little Bradford and I read your account. My heart goes out to you in huge ways. We went through a very similar experience when we lost our Lynneita over a year and a half ago. You shared so many thoughts and feelings that were identical to what we went through. She would be 16 months now. I am so sorry you had to go through this experience. We have 2 boys, the youngest was 6 at the time. Chris really hoped we’d have a girl. We lost her at about 5 1/2 months of pregnancy. She was beautiful and perfect and still born. Don’t know what was wrong, but the cord was twisted too tight in spots. I can’t imagine what it would be to have never been able to birth a living child and have this experience. Praise God for your beautiful adopted boys. I understand it just makes you thankful everyday for their life. God has healed us through it all. I guess the beauty is that He has filled my cup in many other ways even though my arms aren’t full. I know He will fill and heal you too. My prayers and tears are with you. I believe God is crying with you, just as he did for Mary and Martha. I look forward to heaven when we’ll be all together and see her living and growing. Blessings, Heidi
Jusith,
I am so sorry about about your beautiful Bradford. Live just doesn’t make sense sometimes. I remember when we lost 2 babies to miscarriage it is still tears my heart up. I can’t imagine the pain you have and are going through. I am so thankful you know and trust the Lord even when it hurts!
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