July 2, 2009
Its hard to believe its been over a month since I have updated this. I guess we go through such a spectrum of emotions each day its hard to write exactly where we are. Sawyer and Wyatt are doing so well and the older boys are loving them more beautifully than we could have imagined. They are all growing so much and I so desire they all grow to be men of God with great compassion for loving other people. I suppose i realize that example starts with David and me. So the question goes “HOw are we loving people well even when we don’t “feel” like it?” Sometimes our grief wants us to hole up and forget the needs of others. I am trying to find the balance of joy with grief intersperced in there…its a weird way to live…a new normal people call it. I admit I still struggle to trust the Lord and wich it wasn’t so..but its just where I am. I think why pray if God does what He wants…and yet I know I need to cry out to Him and pray. I feel like i live in such a dichotomy of emotion in every area..wanting to dive in and believe the word and yet so fearful of God at the same time. Of course the question of why He took Bradford remains as my arms just ache somedays to hold her. I then look at our wonderful boys and feel there hugs and the outrageous joy they bring. I know we all have something we try as humans to add to the cross. Christ’s death plus…you fill in the blank…comfort, children, money…will somehow redeem us. Yet Christ said “its is finished”. His death was enough-Nothing extra. Yet I struggle with this…anyone else out there?
Comments
I found your website through Martha Pettyjohn’s blog. We grew up “togther” although she is a couple of years younger than I am. I just want you to know that I appreciate your honesty. Without going into details, I have also struggled on occasion with the “why pray if God knows the outcome anyway” thing. And yet, like you, I know that prayer is absolutely necessary for my relationship with Him to be whole. I don’t have answers for you. But I do know that God loves you so, so much and is aching with you and does want you to share every emotion with Him–even the ugly ones. He will hold you through this time and beyond. In the meantime, tell Him you’re hurt and angry, tell Him what you want and feel. Be honest. He knows it all anyway, but will cherish your honesty. And then listen and wait for His peace. And enjoy those boys’ hugs as much as you can! I will continue to pray for you and your family!
keep talkin,’ sister. we can all relate. love you guys.
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