Archive for July, 2009
July 23, 2009
“I spread my hands to you, my soul thirsts for you….answer me quickly, my spirit fails….Let the morning bring word of your unfailing love for I have put my trust in you.” (the psalms)
I have carried a deep sadness and longing around for the past few days…it ebbs and flows that way. it has seemed to be a constant companion to my heart much like a pair of sunglasses to my life. I wear sadness before my eyes… so aware of it darkening my view and then I lift them on my head as a reprieve from the glare around me. On my head they are out of view but still with me until thye are pulled back down again. Sometimes I even forget they are on my head until the need arises…i suppose my need to grieve pulls my sadness down. I go awhile knowing its there but keeping it out of view. So today they are pulled over my eyes and the sadness seems to darken my vison a bit…my hopefulness seems cloudy as well. I never want hopelessness to lead to despair so praise God they are not a permenant fixture. of life.
I suppose alot of this has to do with my endocrinology appointment yesterday. Our loss of Bradford was so much more to us emotionally than the loss of a child…it went alot deeper. My body is struggling to heal and hopes that it will return to normal seem daunting really. Before I became pregnant I had worked so hard to reutrn my body to a healthy state after the devastating effects of the years of anorexia. I finally reached that point and then all the efforts seemed fruitless as it was taken away again. I am now back to the beginning again-trying to get my body healthy and somewhat “normal” again(though i wonder if it will ever truly happen this side of heaven). As a woman you must know the desire now to be pregnant again and somedays it just seems overwhelmingly sad to think it may never be a possibility. Why the tease God? I become weary somedays of making the efforts and doing what I know to do to be “healthy” again. If I get there again will God allow something else to hinder my efforts. All I know to do most days is cry out he psalms. HE is so in control and I AM NOT. I suppose this is the enormous issue of TRUST.
I do not always mean to be so heavy emotionally asI know it can be draining. I know the sunglasses will go off my head soon and my vision will be brighter. Until then I am trying to sense God’s presence even in the dark..knowing He is holding me and guiding me even when I can’t see through tears. He is a God who restores hearts so I am begging today as “He leads me beside quiet waters…He restores my soul.”
July 16th, 2009
What a privilege I experienced last night to be among women who strongly believe and have been called to Promise 686. Psalm 68:6 promise that “God sets the lonely in families” and that is what these women are determined to do with their lives and time. They are all so beautiful and unique in their stories…adoption…fostering…safe haven and what a joy to be in their presence. All of them amaze me in putting aside some life challenges and give their home to give the lonely a home. I am thankful and honored to be counted among these women and that the Lord placed in our hearts 6 years ago to adopt and care for orphans. I would not have our family look any other way and delight in God’s gift of our six boys. Oh how I pray that chldren in need of families will indeed be set free from lonliness….
And then there is a seemingly unsatiable desire now to be pregnant and bear children on my own. I have never known it as strong as I do now….supposing it has come from the loss of Bradford. There are still nights I wake up and weep as I long to hold her and bring her home. I had come to such a place of healing…trusting God’s plan for our family and being okay with never conceiving. So now I feel like the desire is all starting over again…wondering if a pregnancy could even happen again. Why was this wound reopened? Do David and I really want the potential of this happening again? We know though if we don’t risk in life we are not living and will die..so….who knows what GOd will do. I have to throw my hands up on this one as HE is the only one who has control over it all. There are going to be some hard and anxious days ahead as we desire a little girl in our hearts. I have already revisited the rollercoaster of emotions especally the excitement and yet hurt when someone tells me they are pregnant. We have no clue what God will do or where this will take us…I suppose this is what TRUST is all about. I have been crazy enough to pray for twins! I figure He tells us to ask ANYTHING..of course in the end its His call to make. (but i can still ask!)
I am reminded of the children He has already “set” in our family and am so overwhelmed with gratitude. I am even thankful for the infertility as we would not know the blessing of our sons without it . Once again a double emotion playing in my life…gratitude and longing, despair and hope, pain and yet great joy too.
July 8th, 2009 And yet…
AND YET….. These two small words have meant so much to me in the past few days. Once again I find myself living in contrasting emotions everyday…I am intrigued though at how uncomfortable it seems to make people. I am told to focus on the postitive and be thankful for what God has done when I express my hurt and fears. I know, in my mind, that I can be sad, confused, hurt, and angry at God and still see ALL the blessings He has given and the wonderful things HE has done in my life. One emotion does not negate the other to me. I find it all through scripture as David tells God how hurt and confused and scared he is and then says”AND YET I praise you”. This is David…a man after God’s own heart and if He can feel so many different emotions and still praise God why is it not okay for me? God knows anyway…its not like I can hide it. I tend to try out of fear that He will discover the darkness of my heart…and my heart is as black as they come but HE already knows it. ITs why I must cry out to Him with every emotion I have in me..He knows and loves me anyway. He also knows when I don’t “feel” like praising Him He never leaves me or forsake me(even though it once again “feels” like He has abandoned me). He knows the dualing emotions exist in me and He loves me regardless….which takes me to the sinless undarkened one…JESUS. GOd’s son. pure. spotless and yet…..listen to Him in the garden. “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. AND YET not as I will but as you will.” Jesus was struggling through all of His emotions AND YET God loved him more than we can even comprehend. And on the cross, “My God, My God Why have you forsaken me?” AND YET Jesus surrendered to the Father with this conflict of abandonment and love. Should people have come upt to Jesus on the cross and said, “if you will just remember the good things God has done…” I know Jesus knew God’s goodness and love. I know Jesus never wavered in His love for the Father AND YET His human emotions were real and raw just like ours. I must believe we have the freedom to scream with our hearts and lives AND YET praise Him for who HE is and who we are….His precious sons and daughters that He promises we will one day have no more conflict of emotion.
Sawyer and Wyatt’s adoption story
You may have already noticed it in the menu above, but click here to read the story David wrote about Sawyer and Wyatt’s adoption. He wrote it shortly after returning, so apologies for taking so long to get it posted. A (great!) new picture of Sawyer and Wyatt is on that page too.
July 2, 2009
Its hard to believe its been over a month since I have updated this. I guess we go through such a spectrum of emotions each day its hard to write exactly where we are. Sawyer and Wyatt are doing so well and the older boys are loving them more beautifully than we could have imagined. They are all growing so much and I so desire they all grow to be men of God with great compassion for loving other people. I suppose i realize that example starts with David and me. So the question goes “HOw are we loving people well even when we don’t “feel” like it?” Sometimes our grief wants us to hole up and forget the needs of others. I am trying to find the balance of joy with grief intersperced in there…its a weird way to live…a new normal people call it. I admit I still struggle to trust the Lord and wich it wasn’t so..but its just where I am. I think why pray if God does what He wants…and yet I know I need to cry out to Him and pray. I feel like i live in such a dichotomy of emotion in every area..wanting to dive in and believe the word and yet so fearful of God at the same time. Of course the question of why He took Bradford remains as my arms just ache somedays to hold her. I then look at our wonderful boys and feel there hugs and the outrageous joy they bring. I know we all have something we try as humans to add to the cross. Christ’s death plus…you fill in the blank…comfort, children, money…will somehow redeem us. Yet Christ said “its is finished”. His death was enough-Nothing extra. Yet I struggle with this…anyone else out there?
