Bradford Ellissia McNeely
After 24 hours of labor, and epidural, Bradford Ellissia McNeely was stillborn on April 30 @ 7 p.m. We both felt like as I was pushing our hearts were being ripped out as well. She was beautiful and seemingly perfect in every way. Every finger and toe formed down to the fingernails, eyes, lips, long arms and legs. She was a lot bigger than we expected and had to be held in two hands. What a horrific and yet beautiful moment as we got to hold her and tell her we loved her and goodbye. I do not lessen the loss of a child at any stage of pregnancy… the pain is always so great.
There is something unique though about having to deliver a stillborn baby. Our grief as we held her felt like it might consume us. All I knew to say over and over was “I am sorry I couldn’t keep you alive Bradford-I failed you as a Mom.” “I am so sorry David I couldn’t give you a daughter and failed you as a wife.” I suppose these thoughts are a natural part of grief and more have continued to come and go as the days have gone by.
My milk came in, oh the bleeding (not just the natural but from my heart and mind as well.), the hospital bill that came…all reminders of Bradford not being at home with us. There will be reminders until we die, looking at our kitchen table wondering why she isn’t with us, David doing weddings and wondering why he doesn’t get to walk his daughter down the aisle, the boys questioning “why did Bradford die mommy?” Of course we have no answer to this last question and know we never will. We do not understand why God would allow us to get pregnant after 14 years and coming to a place of peace in our infertility and open a wound so personal to us and seemingly stab it again. How does God get more Glory from a stillborn birth than a wonderful healthy baby delivered in September. Once again, no answer and yet through our hurt, anger, tears, and frustration we somehow know God is an amazing God.
Oh how we love and miss Bradford as our heart just aches. I have been amazed at how David has embraced the grief and walked this horror out with me. We have wept uncontrollably together, talked, shared our hearts and minds candidly, and he has loved me well. I have a whole new respect and admiration for that man. I love him so much even as I have watched him wrestle with God too.
There is somehow some healing that comes with even writing this and I would ask as trite as it seems for prayers of God’s grace to carry us now. Once again His grace has been poured out to us through the generosity, love, and care of our friends during our particularly dark days. We pray each day the cloud is lifted (though we know we will still have hard days) and one day we will know true joy again.
Comments
and, once again, He is using the two of you to minister to me. your faith is unreal. i love you guys.
so glad you wrote out bradford’s story. i love you!
I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is absolutely devastating for all of you. Sending prayers your way.
Thank you for sharing a part of your heart with us. We love you!!
Your strength and courage are a testimony to so many. We continue to pray for you all.
David and Judith, reading your thoughts of your precious child reminded me of Abby and my loss in 2007. My heart goes out to you all and would love to get together with David when you all fit into a routine
Oh, Judith…that was so beautifully written. Praying for you constantly.
Judith, this is beautiful. I’m really proud of you for writing it and so grateful that you’ve shared Bradford’s story with us.
Judith, I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes as I imagine the pain you are going through that you bravely described in your post. Your authentic faith touches all of us who know you. We are praying for GRACE and healing and rest for your soul. We are grieving with you and love y’all deeply. WE learn from you as you share your beautiful , raw hearts. Thank you for sharing. GOd is being glorified, and yet HE is weeping with you.
Love,
Bradford
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. This was hard to read. Why would God allow it? It’s so hard to understand. Praying for you guys.
I appreciate the vulnerability as you share the pain of your great loss. May God grant you both the peace that passes understanding and restore your joy.
Even though this was heart-breaking to read, I appreciate and admire your willingness to share the story. I have thought of you guys often the past few weeks…I am so far removed, yet I still find myself wrestling with God over your pain. I will continue to pray for all of you.
Our hearts and prayers are with you during this unfathomably difficult time. Thanks for sharing this story and your heart. With love, Lauren
Thank you for sharing you story. While not for as long as you and David, Liz and I fought against infertility and lost a child (much earlier) along the way. I still sometimes wonder about that baby. It (I hate using that term) was just a lump of cells when it lodged in Liz’s fallopian tube. I strangely envy you that you got to see your baby and know it was a she and that she was beautiful and a part of you and David both. Somehow, even as painful as it must be, knowing Bradford as a person seems as if it would better than knowing your child only as the anonymous material removed during surgical procedure. You both are in my prayers.
UGHHHHHH!!!! I just hurt with you. I am so thankful to read this to hear how you are doing.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart aches to think of all that you have had to experience. It just shouldn’t be this way. You and David have been through so much, and yet I hear and see such amazing things in your words and in your life. Thank you for sharing your beautiful, painful, vulnerable story. eric and I are praying for you both.
Thank you for sharing about your sweet Bradford. My heart just aches for you guys! It is so hard to understand God’s ways and I wrestled with many of the same questions after my loss (which was our first natural pregnancy after years of infertility). I will be praying for incredible grace and strength for you and David as you grieve and as you continue to parent the boys.
I am honored to know you both and committed to mourn with you as well as pray for you. You are loved!
We were thrilled for you guys when David announced at Meadowview that you were expecting. We told several friends (that are struggling with faith)about what God had done for ya’ll. Then we were devestated for ya’ll when we heard the news. So we called the friends back and told them to be praying for ya’ll and each said, “Do you think they will continue to worship God after this?” Without hesitation I firmly answered “yes, David and Judith will love God b/c they LOVE God! And will probably love Him more in spite of this…that’s true faith.” To these few, that showed Gods’ Glory…that even in the midst of total heartache that two people they don’t even know will continue to Praise God and give Him the Glory! I promise you they will never forget it. Wanted to share the impact that God has on people you don’t even know thru circumstances beyond our comprehension. We are praying everyday for your family and “peace beyond all understanding” and boldly asking God to turn this pain into joy again one day. Love ya’ll and Miss ya’ll.
Thank you for writing out Bradford’s story. I love you and am praying for you all.
Judith. thank you so much for sharing. we continue to pray for you and weep over your loss. We love you!
Thank you for the story of Bradford.
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